I am going to be blunt here. You are reading an article about Valentine’s Day, on an Android site dedicated to bringing you reviews ranging from cases, to icon packs, to ROMs. This means a few things – well actually a lot of things – but I am going to be nice and only focus on two:
- You are a nerd. Deal with it.
- Any advice you can get for Valentine’s Day is only going to help you out, and I have never even met you.
Now I know what you are thinking: how is this jerk that writes crappy articles about phones going to tell me how to have a successful date? Well, that is the attitude you need to get past. This is a real life woman we are talking about here, so if you come at her like you normally do asking “Can I undo root?” on XDA, you are going to be really lonely. So help me help you by logging out of XDA and showering, and we’ll get started.
Step 1: Prepare Yourself
As with anything in life, you need to be prepared for what lies ahead. The first step in getting a date is being able to talk to a woman. This takes years of practice, but you have days, so check out these apps and get studying!
- 101 Pick Up Lines: “Can I take your picture? I want Santa to know what I want for Christmas.” Did not know that line? This app is here to help. Link
- Urban Dictionary: You are running out of time, so I won’t judge the type of woman you pick. This app might come in handy if she tells you that she “has her contacts in.” Link
Step 2: Get Out and Meet a Woman
Now that you have some woman lingo down, it is time to practice. You can take the easy way out, and do some shady web chatting, and that’s fine to start, but your end goal is to go on an actual date this Friday, so you need to meet someone that is not from Kazakhstan.
- Starbucks: You have not spoken to a woman in person in a while. It is going to go poorly, but the more you talk the more comfortable you will get. And you only need to get one yes, who cares how many no’s you get. So carry your freshly showered behind to your local Starbucks. They are everywhere, and they are crowded. You can get rejected 20 times in the first hour, and there will be 20 more women coming in in the next 5 minutes. Math is on your side here. Link
- Match.com: Blindly meeting people at Starbucks not your thing? Fine, pull out Match.com, find someone, and have them meet you at Starbucks. Link
Step 3: Keep in Contact
OK, you grew a pair and actually talked to a real live woman. Wow, she hung around for more than a minute, you say? Excellent, Romeo. Now it’s time to follow up. Remember, she is surrounded by millions of other males that want to take her out for Valentine’s Day also, so you need to continuously sell yourself, and make sure that when she thinks of having fun this weekend, it’s with you.
- Hangouts: What easier way to make sure you can reach someone than by using a cross platform IM client? Feeling extra brave? Fire up the video chat, and really show her what she is missing out on. And no, it is not appropriate to treat it like Chat Roulette, that’s not cool.* Link
*Editor’s note: Stay out of prison this holiday. Don’t show a woman your junk unless she requests it.
Step 4: Really Sell Yourself
Normally, you would wait before sending a newly met woman gifts, but in your case, we’re going to make a much needed exception. You have met her, she actually talked to you, and you have been chatting back and forth. Now it’s time to send some goodies her way.
- 1-800-FLOWERS: If I have to explain this, then please stop reading now, and go back to your WOW raid. Dating is just not for you. Link
- Amazon: When you have spoken with your new lady friend, you should have been listening. If you were, chances are that in the span of 60 minutes she told you her entire life story, including the color of this and that, and the dream she had five years ago, and what her friend ate for lunch yesterday, etc. They talk a lot, I mean a whole lot. Sorry, nothing I can do about that, just deal with it like we all do. But the upside to all of those “amazing” stories about how she had a premonition about wearing pink shoelaces to a future movie screening, because they look great in dim light is pure gold. She will tell you everything she likes, and chances are that Amazon has it in stock and will overnight it to you. So listen up, ignore the dreams about puppies, and you will hear about thousands of things she likes in under ten minutes. Oh, and you have to act interested in all of it. Yes, all of it. Sorry. Seriously, I am sorry, but I cannot help you here, it’s a burden all men share. Link
- justWink Greeting Cards: Women love cards. End of story. Send a cheesy one. The more lame it sounds to you, the better. Link
Step 5: Restaurant
OK, so far you’ve done great! You have met a woman, talked to her appropriately, sent her flowers, and convinced her that you are the dominant male in her group of suitors. She has also given you lots of important information, such as the types of food she likes. Now it’s time to book that restaurant before all of the tables are gone.
- Yelp: This is the Facebook of restaurant reviews. People check in and send out reviews, it is very popular so there is no shortage of good info here. You have come this far, do not ruin it by picking a crappy/dirty place. Link
- Open Table: Made your pick? Great, now make your reservation. Link
- Foursquare: Dinner went great. But it is still early, fire up Foursquare to find out what is going on right now all around you. Seize the moment, keep the party going, have fun. Link
Step 6: Profit!
You have trained hard, but some of you will not make it to this point. It is a tough journey, and any simple slip of the tongue or eye movement towards another female can cost you dearly. Cheer up, there is always next year, and real life practice like this is invaluable. But for those that are still chugging along late Friday night having a great time, this next app is for you. It needs no explaining, as I can only take you so far. Now only your instincts can guide you, so go with your gut here.
Reach out on Google+ to let AFN’s resident love guru know how this helped you, as I imagine that this changed your life (hopefully for the better). Or you can tell me that you are so awesome that you needed no such help. Either way, have a happy and safe Valentine’s Day!
Image Credits: Screen Crush